My Personal Anger Issue
My Personal Anger Issue
My Personal Anger Issue
If you feel your anger is more serious than the average parent's issue, this is what we can provide:
A few ideas about learning to control anger.
A check list to see if you have a problem.
A parent team approach to anger issues.
Ideas of where to get help.
Anger management technique called "the step system."
1. Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times.
- Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, hurts those around you, or is taking a toll on your personal relationships. With professional help, you can:
- Learn what anger is
- Identify what triggers your anger
- Recognize signs that you're becoming angry
- Learn to respond to frustration and anger in a controlled, healthy way
- Explore underlying feelings, such as sadness or depression
Request a referral from your doctor to a counselor specializing in anger management, or ask family and friends for recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or state or local agencies also may offer recommendations.
What is Your Anger Style? An excellent article to help parents with Anger issues
Many people are finding the work of Marshall Rosenberg, PH.D called Non-Violent Communication very valuable in learning how to use contructively and/or manage their anger.
Below are some questions to ask yourself in order to determine if you are having difficulty managing your anger.
When is Anger a problem? (From the George Washington University, Wash.D.C.)
1. When you become angry, do you ever feel out of control?
2. When you become angry, have you ever said or done anything you regretted later?
3. While angry, have you ever physically attacked someone (i.e., grabbed, shoved, slapped, or punched)?
4. Has an angry reaction to a situation ever cost you a relationship or a job?
5. Do feelings of anger often make it difficult to concentrate on work or school?
6. Do you drink alcohol or use other drugs to calm down and to reduce your angry feelings?
7. Have you ever been arrested or faced legal difficulties as a result of your anger?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you may have difficulty managing anger. If you answered yes to most or all of these questions, then you may have a serious anger management problem. This website is intended to help those with mild to moderate difficulty managing their anger. Those with more serious anger management problems are strongly encouraged to seek out a counselor or therapist to help regulate intense anger.
A GOOGLE search will reveal many approaches to managing an anger problem. Below we have provided a few resources to allow you to get started. Remember your anger can cause great harm to your family relations. Please take it seriously.
A Parenting Team Note
Involving your spouse or partner in parenting while managing anger can be very helpful. This does involve good preventative communication. The biggest step of course is the one you have taken by coming to this page. Admitting that you know you are capable of allowing anger to take your parenting into actions or words that you do not like is the first step. The next one is to ask to deal with this as a team. The steps program below can give you ideas of identifying when your escalation of anger is still at a point where you have choices. It will be at that point, before you slip over the edge, that your partner can give help by stepping into the situation and allowing you to calm yourself with tools learned from our anger issues section.
The other way to work as a team is to have a calm discussion at a time when you are away from any issues. There, you together go over any areas of the parenting styles of either of you that might trigger a sense of helplessness or resentment. It could be:
When I feel criticized by you,
When you step in and just take over,
When our son talks back, or
When our child delays and looks at me in that certain way.
Discussion about these triggering events, actions, or words will help your partner -- especially since you have admitted to needing help -- to want to work with you for the good of your children. You can both, when calm, devise strategies for watching out for these triggers and even making alternative actions that help each parent feel respected and included. For instance the parent who feels the need to "just take over" can learn how to ask if the other needs help. You can still feel respected and partnered while she or he does step in and relieve you during a difficult moment.
An Anger Management System called "Steps."
- Analyze the ladder of steps that lead you to an anger episode.
- The top is the out of control step. You can't stop yourself when you have escalated all the way to it. Over the brink you go, only to regret it and feel shame or more anger about it.
- What's just below that step?
- And below that step?
- Continue until you arrive at knowledge of the first sign of your anger, that is when you are still able to follow the advice on our section: "Anger Issues, Yours and Theirs." Practising and mastering this will change your life.
- I make loud and stern commands when my son talks back. That's the top step.
- Back up a step, and I still am not fully in control but recognize by my son's body language that he is mad.
- Next step down, I realize when I use disrepectful language he talks back out of anger.
- Down one more step, I know if I tell him my feelings with respectful language, things change. The feeling just before that is the step at which you are still in control with. (Check for the body signals, the breath, the racing heartbeat, the building pressure in your head.) This realization helps me find the lowest step in the ladder in which I am in control.
- Now I use the tools outlined in "Anger Issues, Yours and Theirs."
My son has left clothes on the floor of the living room. I hate that, I don't like him doing it, but I am in control of how I handle it at this point, I can feel my heart starting to race, pressure building behind my eyes, grimacing of my face, desire to be stern, but I am still able to make choices, I use the tools in "Anger Issues, Yours and Theirs," and when I am calm and he is calm we talk, and we problem solve it together. I remember to be respectful and still firm with him. I use better language with him, and the situation will most often stay in the range of his being a little angry but not disrespectful to me. All of us benefit.